Selfish Hating of Myself
by TK Catsby
Summary: Basically a fleshed out version of Servant of Evil written in Len's perspective. A lot of angst, but hopefully some action too. DISCONTINUED.
1. Prologue

**I don't own Vocaloid, though I would be a very happy person if I did.**

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"Twins?!" The bishop stared at the maidservant, aghast. "Impossible! That just can't be!"

The brunette flinched at the man's harsh tone. "I'm very sorry, Your Holiness, but I speak the truth," she muttered, hand nervously toying with the edge of her skirt, "The queen has birthed both a girl and a boy, perfectly identical to the common eye."

"This ruins everything!" the priest cried, slamming a fist into the table in front of him, "How could we ever have two rulers!? One of them will have to be gotten rid of!" He stood there for a moment, fuming, as he tried to come up with a proper plan of action. _But how to go about it... the queen will most likely never let them be separated. This completely ruins our plans! _A hand absentmindedly stroked what little was left of his hair.

"Um, Your Holiness?There's something else..."

The man's sinister eyes flickered up to the maid. He seemed to have forgotten all about her. "What?!" His tone was angry, impatient.

The girl, for she couldn't have been over sixteen, took a deep breath before continuing, "Queen Kagamine... has died in childbirth."

The words seemed to hang in the air for a moment before the most horrible thing happened. A sickening smile stretched across the bishops face, somehow succeeding only to make him look even more antagonistic. The maid actually took a small step back, terrified.

"Perfect," the man laughed, a sound akin to that of a dying horse, "This simplifies things. Send word to the castle to keep the twins separated until my arrival. I will be there shortly to give them further instruction. Dismissed."

The maid practically ran from the room and the still cackling man.

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**I wanted to include something about why exactly the twins were separated... and this doesn't really make any sense. Len would probably have just been killed if it was such a big deal... but that would kind of ruin the story now, wouldn't it?**

**Soon to be updated! High school is stealing all my time. :(**

**Reviews appreciated!  
**


	2. A Questionable Job

**I don't own Vocaloid, though I would be a very happy person if I did.**

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The room was darkened by the heavy curtains, though it wouldn't be very bright without them either. The sun had only barely risen above the horizon as I entered the room, an empty basket tucked under one arm. I stooped to begin picking up the various clothing items scattered around the room, taking care not to wake the sleeping queen and frowning as my long, blond bangs just wouldn't stay out of my face. Logic only dictated that I would want to get them cut soon, but there was no chance that would happen. The queen seemed to like them this way, which meant that's how they would stay.

After all, I live to please her. I froze as I heard her stir on the bed. After a moment, a tangled, blond head appeared from under the covers, blue eyes instantly fixing on my unmoving form.

"Len," she muttered my name, still seemingly half-asleep.

"My lady," I murmured, setting my basket on the ground and coming to stand by her bedside, "I apologize for waking you so early."

She yawned, rubbing her eyes, then blinked at me. "S'fine," she mumbled, "What are you doing?" She peered behind me at the half-cleaned room.

"Just my morning duties, my lady," I replied, smiling, "I'm actually in here every morning, before you usually wake."

She looked at me for a long moment, as if trying to see past my innocent smile. I cringed inside. My smile was anything but innocent. "I see," she said finally, flopping back onto the bed and turning her back to me, "Carry on."

I nodded in acknowledgment, it didn't matter if she could see it or not, and returned to my work. A pleasant silence fell on the room.

"One more thing." Her voice shattered the silence like glass falling to the floor. "I have another job for you tomorrow. I'll give you the details later."

My eyes widened as I caught the tone in her voice. "O-of course," the words stumbled out as if I was drunk. I cursed my suddenly dry throat. "... my lady..."

She was silent for a moment before speaking once more;

"Len?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

I swallowed before replying, "And I you..." The words were sick, terrible, and altogether something that just shouldn't be said...

… and they were completely true.

The room lapsed into silence again as her highness finally returned to sleep.

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"Go to the Green Kingdom? Tomorrow?"

Her Highness looked down at me from her perch on the throne. "Was I unclear? Yes, I ask that you go there and find out what exactly is the situation on the marriage between the princess of the Green Kingdom and the prince of the Blue Kingdom. Surely this is no problem for you, Len."

I bit my lip. I had been planning to go visit a friend of mine tomorrow but... I guess that would have to wait. "Of course not, your highness," I replied.

She smiled slightly. "Good. I'll have a carriage ready for you tomorrow, so just make sure to be packed and ready to go," she told me.

I nodded. "Of course, my lady."

"Very good. You're excused." She absentmindedly waved a hand in my direction.

My eyes flickered from her face to the ground. "Right," I muttered, and left without another word.

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The streets of the Green Kingdom were packed. I sighed inwardly as I tried to force my way through the crowd of people. _Why in the world are there so many people here? Is the Green Kingdom usually this busy? _"Excuse me," I stopped a somewhat bored-looking pedestrian as he passed me, "Would you mind telling me what's going on? Theres some kind of festival, going on, correct?"

He glared at me and my fairly fancy clothing for a moment, probably wondering if I was a noble. "You mean you haven't heard?" he asked.

I blinked. "Heard what?"

"The marriage between the princess and the prince of the Blue Kingdom has finally been confirmed. They're making their first official appearance together today."

I stopped. "So they are betrothed?"

The man only nodded. "It was announced yesterday."

_I doubt the princess is going to be happy with that... _I bit my lip. "Thanks," I muttered to the man, before ducking my head and continuing on my way. The crowd had parted a few meters ahead of me, most likely to allow the betrothed to pass through the streets. After a fair amount of shoving, I managed to get to where I had a decent view.

"The princess!"

Just in time too.

"The princess is coming!"

"She's with the prince!"

The crowd was ecstatic. I could understand why. The Blue Kingdom had always had fairly good relations with the Green Kingdom, as far as I could tell. They had been strong allies for some time now. It was only natural for the royalty to think of marriage...

The clattering of a carriage could be heard over the cheering of the crowd as it got closer. I craned my neck to see over another man's shoulder.

There, sitting in an open carriage were the two lovers. They seemed genuinely happy, regardless of whether or not the marriage was arranged. The young blue-haired prince held the hand of the Green princess. She was smiling, her perfect mouth open slightly with a soft laugh as she waved to the crowd. I stopped, slightly stricken by her absolute beauty, and stared at her. Her eyes closed for a moment as she laughed, then opened to stare directly at me. Two glittering emeralds, open wide with something almost like curiosity.

I immediately fell in love with them. I immediately fell in love with my princess's enemy.

And with that realization, I began to hate myself.

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**Well, this is maybe... a little less than half of what I have planned. Hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. :)  
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**Reviews appreciated!  
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	3. Cold

**Well, here's the second chapter. Enjoy!**

**I don't own Vocaloid, thought I would be a very happy person if I did.  
**

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"Betrothed?!"

I flinched at the raw hatred in my princess's voice. "Y-yes," I muttered, "The Green princess and the Blue prince have officially appeared in public together. The wedding is to be held sometime next month..."

She slammed a fist down on the arm of her throne. "Impossible! That wench isn't worthy!" She spat the words out as if they tasted bad.

My eyes widened as the realization of why her highness was so upset dawned on me. "Y-your highness..." I murmured. A small part of me wanted to hit her for insulting the woman I couldn't help but love, but it was quickly beaten to a bloody pulp by the part of me that knew better.

Her highness had started pacing back and forth in front of her throne, her foot-steps echoing on the cold tile. "This just can't be..." she muttered frantically, both hands intertwined in her hair, as if to pull it out, "Her of all people... How could he have chose her over me?!" A scream of frustration ripped from her throat.

I bit my lip and looked down at the floor, uncomfortable seeing her like this. I had seen my princess throw tantrums before, but this was taking it to a whole knew level. "Y-your highness..." I began, intending to try to calm her down.

Her eyes landed on me, seeming as if they had seen me for the first time. "Len!" She barked my name.

"Y-yes?"

"She has to be gotten rid of!"

I stopped, astonished and revolted. "Y-your highness?!" I couldn't believe what I had just heard.

She turned on me then, and was suddenly in front of me in a flutter of yellow fabric. "You'll do it for me, won't you?!" she demanded, "You'll do anything I ask, right?!"

My mind struggled to comprehend what she was saying. "Y-your highness... you can't really mean..."

"Len!" Tears were streaming down her face as she clutched the front of my shirt with both hands. "You must do this for me!"

I stared at her, horrified. A war was raging in my head, forcing me to make the choice. The princess... _my _princess... was asking me to murder the woman I loved. For a moment I couldn't speak, my mind seemingly incapable of forming the right words to tell her that I just _could not _bear to make myself do this.

Then I realized why I couldn't form the words. It was because there were no words to form. The answer was plain as day, right in front of me. I would do it, because it was _her _asking for it. It was the one I lived to serve with all of my being. My princess, whose blood was as much a part of me as it was of her. My only twin...

I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of her against me. "Of course..." I murmured, wrapping my arms around her, "Of course I will..."

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I've always hated the cold. I've always detested it nearly as much as I detest those who would dare cause my princess pain, regardless of how much she deserves it. It was freezing cold as I silently made my way through the streets of the Green Kingdom, with a sharp gust of wind nearly stealing my cloak from me every once and a while. I was nearly positive it was going to rain, from the scent of the air and the look of the clouds covering the moon.

I decided to get this over with as soon as possible. How exactly I would go about that, I had no idea.

The castle was located in the center of the town, and was fairly open to the civilians. A rather short wall surrounded it, with a couple of sleepy guards at each of the two entrances. I struggled to see how they could have such low security. I suppose it was because of the recent times of peace that had been present throughout the land. No serious wars had occurred in my lifetime, after all, though that was likely to change soon.

I scaled the wall easily, not wanting to bother with the guards, and focused on steeling myself for what I had to do. _Her highness's orders are final, _I reminded myself, _There are no exceptions. This is just another job. One that will make the princess happier than ever. _I took a deep breath. _You _want _to do this._

The terrible thing was, I didn't know if that was completely a lie. I wasn't sure exactly when I started crying, but by the time I was making my way through the gardens, I was practically leaving a trail of tears behind me.

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"... Princess?"

Her highness jumped, startled by my voice, and turned. "Len," she breathed, her eyes widening a little at the sight of my bloodied clothes, "T-that's not your blood is it?"

I couldn't bring myself to give her even the ghost of a smile of reassurance. "Of course not, your highness," I said, vaguely registering that my voice was monotoned. Dead-sounding.

I also registered the fact that there wasn't a single part of me left that cared.

She stopped. "Len?" She said my name, leaning in a little closer to my face, and stared at me. "Is something the matter?"

I let my eyes drift away from the floor to rest on her beautiful, slightly concerned face. "Of course not, your highness."

The tear-tracks on my face obviously told her otherwise, and for the first time in my life I saw her face take on the look of one who had just taken a blow to the face. I nearly broke into tears right there in front of her at the sight of it. Somewhere, there was still the part of me that couldn't stand to see her unhappy, and I hated myself for it.

"Len, I-" she began, despair in her voice.

I cut her off with a brusque, "I'm going to go change," and swept past her without another word. All of my being was telling me to turn around and comfort her. To turn around and do whatever it was that would make her happy, but I knew that I couldn't. She had to begin to realize that I wouldn't always be there to do whatever she asked of me. She had to begin to hate me as much as I hated myself.

_It's for her own good._

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_**Yeah, I didn't want to right out Len actually killing Miku mainly because I had no idea how to go about it in first-person. I didn't want to make it sound pathetic and awkward. Other than that though, I liked this chapter okay. It was pretty fun to write. :) **

**Reviews appreciated!  
**


	4. Separations in Shadows

**Chapter three, up and running!**

**I don't own Vocaloid, though I would be a very happy person if I did.  
**

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I didn't remember falling asleep that night, only being awoken sometime around midnight by a commotion outside. Townspeople were shouting, loud and angry, and I shot up in bed as my mind comprehended what was going on.

They had come at last. I knew it would happen eventually, the signs had been everywhere. A crazed citizen spouting abuse about our queen a few months back, a poorly executed assassination attempt last week. I had been expecting this for months now. Revolution was imminent with a queen as terrible as ours.

A queen whom I couldn't help but love. Of course the murder of the Green princess would cause this. There was no way her highness's obsession with the Blue prince could ever have remained a secret. That, coupled with her already horrible reputation, had completely given us away. And now they were here to end it.

I could already see the fierce light of the fire casting eerie shadows on my bedroom wall by the time I was dressed. I swore. They were advancing quickly, coming for the queen they all hated. My foot-steps pounded against the wooden floor of the corridor as I hurried to the princess's room.

"Your highness!" I shouted to her, flinging the door open.

"L-len?!" She was already dressed, peering at me through the smoke that had started creeping into the room. Her eyes were wide with fear, her silky blond hair a disheveled mess.

"Come with me," I ordered, gripping her wrist and leading her out of the room. I headed straight for the basement, where there was a secret exit out of the castle. A tunnel had been built there, years ago, leading out to a safe-house, for escapes just like this.

"Len, where are we going?!" The princess's voice was terrified.

I didn't answer. We had just reached the stairs leading down to the basement when I heard the crash of the front gates being opened. I swore again, more colorfully than before. _So even the guards have betrayed us... _

Pulling her highness into the basement room with me, I quickly closed and latched the door. In one corner, a wardrobe stood, disguising the door leading to the tunnel. I went over to it, opened the door, then turned to the princess.

For a split second, we just stared at each other.

"Len?"

My expression softened to a smile. "Rin," I said her name, her real name, for what seemed like the first time. It seemed to paralyze her.

"Take your dress off," I whispered to her, already undoing the buttons on my shirt.

"What are you doing?!" She was in tears now.

"No one will notice if we switch places," I explained, shrugging my shirt off with no regard to modesty and holding it out to her.

She stared at me, aghast. "Why are you doing this?"

I was struck by the question. "Why?" I echoed, looking straight at her.

Tears were pouring down her face now, and that was when we both snapped.

I threw my arms around her in a hug, burying my face in her hair, taking in as much of her as I possibly could in the little time I had left. The tears came, and I couldn't stop them, and then we were both standing there, crying and hugging each other, and trying to take in as much of our other half as we could before we sere separated. She was begging me to come with her, and I was crying and telling her to get changed, and all the while we were trying to force each other into the wardrobe.

I allowed it to go on for about a minute.

Finally, I calmed myself down and held Rin out at arms-length. "Rin," I said again.

She sniffled pathetically, looking just like she did when she was a little girl and used to make me crowns out of dandelions.

"I love you."

She tried to choke back a sob and failed miserably. I could heard the sound of heavy foot-steps above us.

"You have to go."

She just shook her head, still too choked-up to speak.

I shook her a little. "I'll survive, okay?"

The ground was wet with her tears.

"I promise I'll survive. I'll come back to you."

One pale hand reached out to me, pinkie outstretched.

I blinked at her, immediately realizing what she wanted me to do. A smile found it's way onto my lips as I returned the gesture.

"It's a promise then," she murmured, finally looking up, "I'll go on ahead, but you better meet me."

I nodded.

We quickly exchanged clothes, a process in which, despite the situation, neither of us could stop from blushing. Then, I turned to her, pulling out the plain ribbon I used to tie back my hair, letting my golden hair fall to my shoulders. A sad smile was on my lips as I leaned down and tied it into her hair for her.

This, of course, lead to her crying again.

"Really, Len," I whispered in her ear, trying to act tough, "Grown men shouldn't cry."

She only cried harder at this, but didn't put up a fight as I guided her to the wardrobe. I pushed open the secret door at the back for her as she stepped inside. For a long moment, she stood there, peering down the dark, damp tunnel, before turning to look at me.

It was like looking at myself.

Suddenly, there was a banging on the basement door. She opened her mouth to say something...

… and I closed the door in her face, turning to face whoever was coming through.

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**Well, there you have it. Just one huge scene. I thought this was a pretty good place to end it.**

**After listening to Daughter of Evil for the first time in a _very_ long time, I realized that I left out a couple of things. There's the scene where Len is sent to take money from Meiko's family and pretty much ends up humiliating her. Since its not essential to the story, I'll leave it be for now, but I'll probably put it in as a kind of side-story chapter after the epilogue. I also left out the fact that Rin does officially declare war on the Green Kingdom, but whatever. This story is really more Servant of Evil anyway.**

**Reviews appreciated!  
**


	5. Author's Note

So sorry to anyone who was actually reading this, but I'm afraid I'm discontinuing this story… for now at least. I went through a super productive phase with my writing recently, my style has really changed since I started writing this, and I don't really want to continue. I hope to re-write this thing… but, unfortunately, now I have writers block. D:

On top of that, I have a lot of shit going on in my life right now and not a lot of time to write. I'll probably keep spewing out random oneshots, but that'll be about it.

Again, sorry.


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